hahaist011's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- prepare to meet kali: in hell "from the very beginning," my supervisor said, "you've been too kind." meaning, i guess, "too kind" to the students. i was under the impression that such a thing is impossible, that "too nice" (which she may have meant) is bad, but that kindness is some type of simultaneous siphon and reservoir thing. yeah. maybe it seems like they walk all over me sometimes. and sometimes it may seem like that bothers me. like when i am tired and cranky. but listen: i am trying to teach a bunch of kids who know exactly what to do when the white lady starts yelling: flick paper off desk, put head down, say 'i don't care', when said white lady pokes you. there's this one kid--um, call him gerald--and he is bad bad bad. has, more than once, responded to me handing him the paper or book he needs for class by saying, "what the fuck, cuh!" but if, when he voices his objections or whatever, i actually listen and explain how it's okay ("gerald, just get started on this, and i'll be around to talk about that.") and smile as punctuation...well, then he doesn't give the internal order to escalate and behave the ways that, always and inevitably, get him kicked out of class. in the interest of honesty, i should say that i haven't really been able to find a way to get him--or, indeed, five or six other students--to stop drawing gang signs on his folder. but still! i guess the thing is this: while i am worrying about smiling at gerald because i have the hunch that he doesn't get much kindness anywhere, what is everyone else doing? am i sacrificing the Education of Others to some ideal of wanting the entire class present, not wanting to kick anyone out? the answer is probably yes. but is there another way? this is like some saving private ryan shit, but i--unlike some people--don't wanna leave any child behind. and so i'd rather us all go down together? maybe. it's just that, and this should be no surprise, i always start crying during Temple of Doom when Willie is like, "Let's get out of here," and Dr. Jones is like, "Yeah. All of us," meaning all the kids Mola-Ram stole. kids more precious than shankara stones! wait: is there a lesson there? if kids = shankara stones, then: "Drop them, Ms. D., they will be found! You will not!" not that i'm seeking some kind of, um, fortune and glory here, but it is student teaching after all and, oh god, i gotta get a job somehow. back to the drawing board, motherfucker. 1:20 a.m. - 2007-03-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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