hahaist011's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- you it's about the most recent jerknerd entry. it brought me up a little short, you know? there and here i always am feeling all bad for/about myself, and seriously, i haven't considered--for like, years--how self-centeredness like that ends up being simple selfishness. i'm all, "nobody likes me anymore. nobody wants to be my chum." forgetting--my, how convenient--that i am pretty much the worst friend ever. but wait! there i go again--that "worst friend ever" business. that right there is like an emblem of my own particular mode of self-pity. i exaggerate and overstate so that the truth of the sentence is obscured by my response to that truth. instead of just writing something simple like, "yo i know i'm not a very good friend. i don't call. i don't write. i don't do pretty much any of the things that really count," i have to make sure that everyone knows that not being a good friend makes me feel really, really bad. so even when i am supposedly writing a sentence that considers other people's feelings, i make sure that it leads directly back to mine. bleeeh--gross. i always want how much i feel for and think about people to count. and this is the thing, i'm pretty sure it does. most people probably guess that i still remember everything and that i still love them. but probably what i want is for the feeling and the thinking to count more than the real-deal friend stuff. see, that's the open secret about me: all my boo-hoo nonsense is really not about having nothing; it's about not having everything. what's weird is that the people i most care for in my memory are people who already know this about me. because, o my brothers, they (that is, you) are not dumb. so, back to nate's diary. it felt kinda like my mother or a ccd teacher reminding me that having friends means being a friend. and i was like, "oh shit. i forgot?" instead, i've just been sitting there and here, biting the fingernails on my clutching hands brooding on the tricksy hobbits who took my precious. all that aside, i slept through my alarm this morning. which means that, again, i will miss the first hour or so of the steelers game. which is early, and that means 11am in mountain time (Mesa Time?). i was supposed to go to an early mass, but i gotta just go to the regular one. so i bolted from bed finally, all "shit shit shit" what kinda food am i bringing over to BJ's place? and keep in mind, though these are steelers fans (homeys) + one distressingly attractive packers fan (oh shit), they are--most of the time--the weight lifting teacher/wrestling coach, the chemistry teacher, a security guard, a ninth grade english teacher, and of course, a seventh grade geology teacher. so somehow, this completely fucks up my chess-game manipulation tactics. or at least makes it harder to plan. i decide to make chocolate chip cookies. what could go wrong, right? i hope nothing, but please believe, i almost fucking forgot about being at a High Elevation (6000 feet). so i had to abandon my favorite cooky recipe (better homes and gardens, 1967) for the one on the toll house package just because they gave me some modifications. please let it work. ok bye 8:58 a.m. - 2007-09-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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